Blog Post 3: When does love become an obsession?

I know all of us have experienced the feeling of being in love. It’s like someone filled the empty spaces of your life. Suddenly, life became all butterflies and sunshine. But sometimes, for other people, they tend to overdo it. They let their emotional state take control completely and it results to obsessive love. And the common assumption that people argue about is that obsession is a mental illness. But how does love transform to an obsession?

According to an article I have read by Shana Dines entitled Love or Obsession: How Can You Tell the Difference?, in love or obsession there are phases. First is attraction. They get attracted by their looks and physical appearance. The obsessed one then thinks of him/her all the time then sometimes fantasizes about them. Next phase is when the commitment has been made. Although in an obsessive relationship, a commitment isn’t really necessary, it can be just a fantasized relationship, this is what they call "erotomania" in which the sufferer has delusions that they have a relationship with another person, that the other person knows about, but is "keeping secret." This is when they began to live with the illusion of intimacy. They are afraid of abandonment and rejection. They feel the need to always be in contact with the person they’re obsessed with. They’ll call, message and check up on them on their daily basis. The love object will start to get nervous as the symptoms escalate. The obsessed person will become depressed, resentful and unstable as this phase grows. Third is, the obsessive state or sometimes it is also where the relationship ends. In this phase, the obsessed one spies on, monitors, even manipulate the person they’re obsessed with in their every move. They will try to possess the person. When the victim couldn’t handle this kind of behavior, they tend to end the relationship. And oftentimes those people obsessed aren’t able to accept that the relationship is already over.

The victim can be in real danger when the obsessed knows that the relationship is over and they are losing power.

• A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.

• Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.

• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.

• Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises to "change".

• The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain. 

But this isn’t applicable to all people who are obsessed, according to an article by Fred Penzel, Ph.D., When People Become Obsessed with Other People, for people suffering with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder they are not the violent or dangerous ones. These types of OCD sufferers fall into these categories:

• Obsessions that one will have to break up with someone  they care about,
• Obsessions that the person will want to break up with them,
• Obsessive and doubtful questions about why one has broken up with someone,
• Obsessive and doubtful questions about why the other person has broken up with them,
• Obsessive doubts as to whether one has harmed, injured, insulted or embarrassed a particular person, often someone close,
• Obsessive questions about the other person's past.
• Obsessive questions about the other person's past.

Fred Penzel said that: “These types of obsessions are usually accompanied not only by compulsive rumination and analysis, but frequently by attempts to question the other person, either face-to-face, by phone, mail, or via a third party or parties. Here is where, I believe, the confusion about this type of OCD occurs. Generally, the OCD sufferer, when tortured by doubts, may repeatedly question or search for information.”

These prove that obsession can be developed by choice. While for others, they just can’t help it. John D. Moore supports this theory. As he stated in his book Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control, Published in 2002:

“One thing is for certain. Becoming a person who confuses love with obsession does not happen randomly. In fact, the clues to this phenomenon can be traced to the past, where childhood memories that should be filled with love and support are instead filled with loneliness, fear, and deep sorrow. “

So when you feel like you start to develop obsession with a person, you may refer to John D. Moore's book: Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control to guide you on how to avoid that unhealthy habit.